Are You Being E-maintained?

Oh, there it is. I've been expecting you (a message from those guys that like to contact you randomly). I must be psychic  *yawns*.

CC image courtesy of Melina Sampaio Manfrinatti on Flickr

We’ve all been there: you meet a guy that you spark with, exchange details, you wait patiently to hear from him... and you’re still waiting.

You’re left wondering, was it me? Did I show enough interest? Or was he just not interested enough? Maybe he had a girlfriend. Married? Gay? Abducted by aliens?

The thing is these days, with multiple methods of communicating, the Disappearing Act is then followed by Act Two: The Reappearance.

At first, you’re elated. I knew he liked me! You want to give him the benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to ask you out again. But that niggling bit of doubt is still present and you can’t ignore the way the guy seemed so interested initially, only to disappear… even if he is initiating contact again, who knows when he’ll disappear/reappear again. And what dya know, the cycle repeats.

At this point, you have to be realistic at the odds of this turning into a successful relationship. You see, the damage is already done. I mean, this inconsistent behaviour puts guys like that in the "high risk" category. If you decide to give them a chance, it’s not exactly a good start is it?

I’ve gone through this with multiple guys, and I know how disappointing it is to be messed around by someone, especially when it was they who initiated the majority of the romantic interest; but I can tell you from personal experience that none of these situations ever turn into a successful relationship.

Why? Because the guy was never that interested in the first place.

Now, that may be a bitter pill to swallow but it’s better to realise and accept that early on before your self-esteem plummets further, right? Because by letting guys talk to you whenever THEY feel like it, after disappearing for weeks/months, they will instinctively lose respect for you, and this sets the tone for the rest of the "relationship".

CC image courtesy of Nicolas Raymond

My advice would be to just cut guys off who do this, sooner rather than later, instead of risking getting emotionally involved or being embroiled in a confusing situation.

The satisfaction I get from ignoring these moronic timewasters now… it’s quite empowering. Because what’s the best way to beat a player? Simple: stop playing.

It’s not just one guy who I’ve experienced this with; there are a handful of guys that continue to try and contact me sporadically. I’ve stopped responding…they try harder. I find it amusing at this point.

You can give them a taste of their own medicine: if they get in touch, respond to one message like you’re trying to keep the conversation going, then all of a sudden just stop replying and disappear on them too. If they call, tell them you’re busy and will call them back later… but never do.

So, what's the motivation behind this behaviour? That’s a question I found myself asking when I was the recipient of this behaviour by multiple men and I found it baffling, especially when this random contact continued not just for weeks or months, but sometimes even years.

I can only assume that men do this for the ego-boost; knowing which girls out there still have some kind of interest and will continue to respond to their contact, if/when they decide to pursue things further. He’s not that interested in a relationship at the moment, but he’s trying to keep you interested in him with these occasional sparks of communication. If he didn’t do that, you would realise it’s not going anywhere and move on.

You see, by being polite and responding to men who tried this with me, I was encouraging them to use me as an option. When I stopped engaging, the effort all of a sudden increased. When I responded positively to this, even suggesting spending a little time together, they usually agreed but made a point to mention how "busy" they were. Then, they were gone again like the wind.

It’s about time us women stopped tolerating this bullsh*t. Think about the amount of time and effort it takes to text (i.e. minimal), or the other types of lazy communication these guys favour. If that's all he's putting into it, without phone calls or actual dates, what’s the point? Are you supposed to be happy with a guy who stays in touch every-so-often on his terms? Aren’t you worth more than that?

If a guy likes you and is interested in more than just hooking-up, he WILL find a way to contact you consistently and (this last part’s important) actually SEE you. He won’t leave you hanging, wondering when you’re next going to hear from him. If they’re not interested in being present in your life, then leave them be and focus your efforts on finding someone who is.