Family Problems

People wonder why shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians are so successful, but whilst the girls’ glam fashion choices has a lot do with it, if you too have a love-hate relationship with your siblings then you can definitely relate to their family dynamic, not to mention the endless drama that seems to follow the family around like a dark cloud.

Off topic, but as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always been quite intuitive when it comes to reading people or judging certain situations or interactions accurately. It’s probably why I struggle to maintain romantic, platonic and familial relationships – I can pick-up on people’s less-than-perfect traits and once I do, that person’s personality flaw will grate on me.

I’ll try to ignore it, cut people some slack and rise above but this becomes exhausting and eventually I start talking or hanging out with people less. They then pick up on this shift and, becoming defensive, become distant as well. As I find it childish and extreme to go from being close to ignoring each other forever, I will still check-in with folks from time-to-time but the relationship is never really the same.

So as someone who follows showbiz news because it appeals to my analytical side, (I should get a life, I know) it’s why I wasn’t surprised that Channing and Jenna Tatum announced their separation – despite being drop dead gorgeous, I always got a vibe that Channing just wasn’t that into her.

I got the same vibe off Queen Letizia and her husband King Felipe of Spain. I find Queen Letizia effortlessly chic and very put together, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, male or female, who admires her style. But her husband seems quite aloof and not very affectionate with her.

However, being a royal (and a King no less) I put the reserved behaviour between the two down to etiquette. If you look at photos from early-on in their marriage though, King Felipe was a lot more touchy-feely with a pre-nose job Queen Letizia.

Queen Letizia hit the headlines recently however, when video footage surfaced of rather frosty behaviour between her and her mother-in-law Queen Sofia:

"Queen Sofía and Queen Letizia Face Off, and Spain Is Aghast" - NY Times, April 5th, 2018 

It seems even royals have trouble with their in-laws from time to time. King Felipe eventually had to step-in to defuse the situation.

Self Improvement vs. Accepting Yourself

Image credit: mcredifine

My life has been randomly hectic for the past couple of years and unfortunately, blogging took a backseat. I also didn’t bother to renew this site's custom domain registration, which meant my search visibility took a battering and since I was no longer getting the consistent traffic that I was used to, it was even more of a reason to not be as active on here.

I find my desire for blogging returning however, as I forgot just how therapeutic it can be. As someone who is prone to bouts of situational depression, if there’s an outlet that can bring you any kind of relief, it’s well worth continuing with.

It also helps to clear and organise my thoughts, and I’m finding myself rambling less to poor folks in my everyday life since I’ve gotten back into writing. I know a lot of people can relate to things I write about as well, which is why I originally set up this blog.

I guess the purpose of this post is that I find myself reflecting on my current circumstances, which make me feel like I’m exactly where I was 3-4 years ago, despite making numerous changes in my life.

I think as adults, especially if you have a pattern of struggling to maintain relationships, jobs or whatever, it's important to be self-aware so you can look at areas about yourself that perhaps need improving. The goal isn’t to be too self-critical, but more so you can live your best life.

Why Modern Friendships Aren't Sustainable

I wrote an article a while back about Sex and the City and how we can draw inspiration from the female friendships featured in the show as something to aspire to, as opposed to the shallower aspects such as the fierce fashion choices, fabulous apartments and casual relationships.

However, the cast of the infamous show hit the headlines recently, mainly because of the way Kim Cattrall publicly lashed out at co-star Sarah Jessica Parker on social media:

My Mom asked me today “When will that @sarahjessicaparker, that hypocrite, leave you alone?” Your continuous reaching out is a painful reminder of how cruel you really were then and now. Let me make this VERY clear. (If I haven’t already) You are not my family. You are not my friend. So I’m writing to tell you one last time to stop exploiting our tragedy in order to restore your ‘nice girl’ persona. Copy and paste link https://nypost.com/2017/10/07/inside-the-mean-girls-culture-that-destroyed-sex-and-the-city/

A post shared by Kim Cattrall (@kimcattrall) on Feb 10, 2018 at 5:20am PST

Tensions in the workplace happen all the time, so it’s unreasonable to expect a TV show or film set to be any different. But it was still sad to see confirmation that when it came to the close-knit friendships portrayed in the show, life certainly didn't imitate art.

Interestingly, the stars of another one of my favourite female-led shows Charmed also hit the headlines not too long ago for similar reasons, when Rose McGowan (who has very vocally spoken out against sexism and sexual harassment in Hollywood) lashed out at former co-star Alyssa Milano, again on social media, for supporting the wife of Harvey Weinstein (who is now facing numerous allegations of assault and harassment).

Why Men Like B*tches

Much like anyone else with any kind of experience of failed relationships, I’ve become quite weary when it comes to pursuing a romantic connection. I’m pretty sure this lack of enthusiasm for dating is apparent which means unintentionally, I’ve ended up being a little stand-offish when it comes to dating.

You would think this aloof attitude would discourage men but on the contrary, they seem to end up putting in more effort to see or speak to you.

I’ve had this happen with a few guys now, so it seems like proof that 1) if a guy really likes you, even a little bit of rejection won’t put them off from trying again and 2) men actually seem to prefer it if you aren’t all that eager to date them.

Ice Ice Baby
Image credit: Ingasommer

It’s not even a tactic or game I’m playing, because I genuinely am a bit half-hearted about dating at the moment and my hectic schedule makes it hard to find the time to date as well.

Besides, I think this approach is far more effective when you’re not faking it, and you genuinely have more going in your life than being able to drop everything to go on a date, as though it’s the highlight of your week.

This is precisely why I tell females not to chase men. Because apparently, even if you turn them down, ignore them or seem unenthusiastic with their messages, it doesn’t stop men from pursuing you.

New Year’s Resolutions 2017

You know you’re really basic when you participate in this whole "New Year, New Me" phenomenon.

Image credit: schroederhund

However, last year was a bit of a mixed-bag for me – some really fun experiences, but also some emotionally-draining circumstances. The last week of the year for me was especially eventful and reflected this pattern. Luckily, the year did end on a good note, which felt like an opportune time to mark a fresh start.

So on that note, here are some areas I want to focus on:

1) Be more selfish – By this, I mean I want to put less effort into pleasing other people, and more effort into myself and doing things that make ME happy.

For example, I’ve found as my social circle has expanded, as have the opportunities to socialise. And don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to have found a lovely little group of people to hang out with; It’s rare to find people who appreciate the amount of effort you put into a friendship, and who reciprocate. I really shouldn’t take them for granted.

However, spending too much time with anyone will lead to irritation. And I’m that type person who goes a bit crazy if I don’t have a certain amount of alone time.

I think this is a result of having spent a period of time not getting out much (due to not having many friends to hang out with). In situations like that, you find ways to keep yourself occupied. You get used to your own company and I guess old habits die hard.

Now, I’ve met people who are as eager and willing to socialise. But it’s good to find a balance. I’m learning to turn down invites, if participating means it’ll be a drain on my time, finances and energy.

"It’s the Most Wonderful Depressing Time of the Year..."

As 2016 officially comes to a close, it has left many people reflecting on what seems to have been a turbulent year for most.

Images credit: milivanily

Special occasions, although usually a cause to celebrate, are generally a super depressing time for people. In addition to birthdays, Valentine’s Day etc. where there are all these expectations to celebrate in style, this festive time of year can also put pressure on people to mark the occasion somehow, therefore magnifying feelings of loneliness if people have no party invites.

Even those spending the holidays with their families find that this too comes with its own stresses: the expense of buying presents and the pressures of hosting a family get together, made all the more difficult if there are tense relations between relatives.

Luckily, I come from a culture that doesn’t really celebrate Christmas, so it’s one less thing to stress about. However, my mother had a stint in hospital from Christmas Eve onwards, so I too ended up having to spend time with family members who I’d really rather avoid. I then had to deal with various household mishaps, not to mention a bunch of health-related errands and appointments I had to tend to.

With all these stressful incidents, it wasn’t exactly the relaxing break I was hoping for.

As such, I haven’t been in the best mood this holiday, instead finding everyone and everything annoying. Any spare time I’ve managed to salvage, I’ve spent retreating to my room until this bad mood passes.

Why Women Can't Resist Bad Boys

My impatience, frustration and general disdain for men is pretty well-documented.

However, I’m one for balanced perspectives and even I can recognise women can be equally as frustrating to men, especially when it comes to dating.

Image credit: OpenClipart-Vectors

I've touched on a similar topic before. Often, you have decent guys ready for a relationship, scratching their head as to why a woman is giving mixed signals. Maybe she responds to your contact, but never initiates. Maybe you had an amazing first date, the girl seemed interested but she’s difficult to pin down for a second date, constantly saying she’s "busy".

In some cases, a girl may actually be interested but just doesn’t want to look desperate. I personally can like a guy, but will hold-off initiating too much contact in the early stages as I prefer to take things slowly. Also, I guess I like to gauge his interest level and an easy way to do that is by seeing how often he initiates contact. I will, however, respond enthusiastically to contact and date requests.

However, if a woman isn’t making any real effort  to see or speak to you, if conversations taper off into nothing, then her ambivalence is most likely due to her half-hearted interest in either you, or in dating and relationships in general.

Women are often at the receiving end of this type of behaviour from men, and are frequently (and often, brutally) told: He’s Just Not That Into You.

However, guys tend to be treated a lot more delicately. So much so, it’s perplexing to them. Hey, if a guy has made it clear he’s single and ready for a relationship but a girl isn’t biting… clearly she has issues of some sort, right?

Emotional vs. Physical Attraction

It’s often said that if a woman is inclined to cheat, it’s because her emotional needs are not being met. On the flip side, if men cheat it’s because their sexual needs are not being met.

Image credit: Unsplash

Now obviously, this isn’t a hard and fast (excuse the pun 😉) rule, but I think it’s fair to say that women tend to be more enthusiastic about entering a relationship compared to men.

This is what causes a lot of dating woes – a mutual attraction between two people, but not exactly a meeting of minds when it comes to what they’re looking for in the opposite sex. Therefore, dating can be equally frustrating for all parties involved.

Generally speaking though, it’s usually pretty obvious if a guy you’re dating falls into the "serious" or "casual" category. A guy that’s not really looking for anything long-term isn’t, for example, going to ask you too many personal questions. He’ll avoid delving into deep and personal topics, and conversations are quite superficial in nature. When you meet up, it tends to be last minute. Fun and non-committal, kind of thing.

This was a situation I was confronted with when I reconnected with a blast from the past recently.

What Feminism Means To Me

"...even when I'm a mess
Still put on a vest
With an "S" on my chest
Oh yes,
I'm a Superwoman." [Alicia Keys]

These lyrics come from a lovely, underrated song by singer/songwriter Alicia Keys.

Incidentally, the song title "Superwoman" is also the moniker of mega-successful YouTuber Lilly Singh, who has successfully carved out a career in the digital industry, and someone I personally find an inspiration.

I don't usually subscribe to celeb-endorsed products/merchandise, but this girl's accomplishments, maturity and outlook on life are incredibly admirable, she brings out the hardcore fan in me.

Singh has also dedicated her time to advocate "Girl Love", a movement which is all about empowering and enriching the lives of other women. And I’m all about that.

A photo posted by Lilly (@iisuperwomanii) on Sep 20, 2016 at 9:56am PDT

Because the truth is, being a woman is tough. That’s why it’s so important for women to support and celebrate each other.

Obnoxious People: Speak Up Or Let It Slide?

Over the past couple of years after dealing with some major downers, I decided I wasn’t even going to bother confront people about their sh*t behaviour anymore, because it proved to be a pointless exercise. All it ever really did was just create more drama.

Realistically, people in general are never going to react well when you’re pointing out their flaws. So why bother? You just end up looking argumentative or like a nitpicking a**hole, and most of the time you end up dealing with someone who is defensive, in denial or is so offended that you called them out on their behaviour, they’re going to fall out with you and never speak to you again anyway.

Image credit: mattysimpson

So from then on, whenever someone was bugging me, whether that was a friend or someone I’m dating, if an issue arose and the subsequent conversation was going nowhere, I would simply distance myself from them and the situation. Far better to walk away without all the drama.

It wasn’t a difficult thing to implement because I’ve generally been keeping people at arm’s length these days anyway, preferring to keep things casual.

'My apartment is the only place that I feel safe right now. I have food. I have alcohol. I have 600 channels. And none of them want to hurt me.'  (The Mindy Project)

Recently however, things took a different turn.

Modern Day Dating Dilemmas

Boy Meets Girl.

Image credit: kpgolfpro

Boy Likes Girl.
Girl Likes Boy.
They become boyfriend/girlfriend.
And they lived happily ever after.

Remember when relationships used to be simple? Back when there was little game-playing and indecisiveness in taking the plunge?

Yeah neither do I.

Dating is far too complicated these days - more complicated than it probably needs to be really. Imagine how many potential relationships could have flourished without so many modern day distractions?

Maybe I’m just viewing the past with rose-tinted glasses. Perhaps people back then had just as much trouble finding "The One" as people do now.

But it doesn’t seem that way. I work with a more mature workforce and the majority of people I work with are married with families. They’ve been married for years. They started their families at my age. Some have even been married more than once and I’m amazed - it’s hard enough to get a guy to commit and call you his girlfriend these days, let alone have him get down on one knee.

So what changed?

What Sex and the City Can Teach Us About Female Friendships

You can’t deny the popularity of television show Sex and the City. Somewhat of a cultural phenomenon in the late ‘90s/early 00s, the success of the show left some critics baffled at its popularity.

The truth is, the show was popular because most modern women were able to relate to some of the situations the female characters found themselves in. 

Sure, the fabulous apartments, expensive shoe collection and cheap laughs and innuendo-filled gags did (at times) take away from the realism of the show but generally, a lot of single career women could relate to the relationship woes featured in the show.

The lasting effect of the series is that now, a lot of females aspire to the "Sex and the City lifestyle" – the great jobs, the great apartments, the glam wardrobe, going out for cocktails etc. 

Life imitating art. Happily. Cheers. X sj

A photo posted by SJP (@sarahjessicaparker) on Aug 4, 2015 at 8:03pm PDT

But it seems a lot of women are forgetting to aspire to one key component of the show: the strong female friendships.

How To Talk To Women

It REALLY p*sses me off when guys don’t know how to talk to girls properly, or talk down to them in a lame attempt at flirting.

Image credit: Unsplash

I know I’m not the only one to experience this, and my friend recently told me about an occasion where she and her friend were approached by two guys. They got into a seemingly pleasant conversation and when it ended, the guys asked for their number. They politely declined, causing the guys to verbally abuse them both.

Charming.

I’m not talking about shy or introverted guys by the way, because I can sympathise with those types, and once they open up you realise they make wonderful conversationalists.

Why Men Are Players

You get guys like this:

                                                             i.e. Mr Womanizer
Then there are guys like this:

                                                 i.e. Mr I-Prefer-The-Hassle-Free-Single-Life

Oh believe me, there's a difference.

The Male 90-Day Rule

So apparently, some guys are trying to hold out spending money on a woman they’re "dating" for 90 days, the way some women have been advised to avoid giving up the goods (or at least try to) for 90 days.

The reason? Men want to avoid being used financially the way women want to avoid being used for sex.

I’ll play devil’s advocate here for a sec and say that there does seem to be some logic behind this reasoning. There are some girls who will entertain a guy, knowing damn well they have zero romantic interest in him, either because they’re bored, they like the attention, they’re trying to take their mind off the guy they REALLY do like or simply because they incapable of a deep meaningful relationship, but don’t mind the perks.

In short, girls that give the rest of us (who are genuinely looking for that meaningful, romantic connection) a bad name.

From Dating To Friends

I’m big into personal development these days and as I get older, it seems a shame to completely cut a person out just because you guys are not a good fit, dating-wise. I mean if it’s a cheating, sleazy asshole or someone you dated for years and years and you’re heartbroken then DEFINITELY cut them loose for your own sanity, especially if they ended things.

Image credit: BlueOlive

But if it’s a generally kind and decent person with whom you have similar interests, should you really burn bridges like that? When you can mutually benefit from one-another’s company?

Especially if you live in a medium-sized city like I do, where the odds are high that you will frequently bump into each other, especially if you attend the same popular events.

Whilst this would have been awful if I was heartbroken over a guy, it’s actually quite nice to see a friendly, familiar face out and about (of-course, I'm not sure I'd be so relaxed and unconcerned about it if I saw him getting cozy with another girl).

Signs You Can’t Handle Your Drink

I have a low tolerance for many things. This includes alcohol consumption.

I don’t know if it’s just me getting older, or if I'm just more used to eating clean so that on the odd occasions that I do drink, my body's like "Aw hell naw! What ya tryna do to me, breh?!"...but I’m seriously a sloppy drunk these days.

When I look back at uni days and how we used to go out multiple times a week, I honestly don’t know how we did it. No wonder I was heftier back then.

On the plus side, it does mean nights out are pretty cheap now as it doesn’t exactly take much to get you drunk.

But on the downside…

1) You may find yourself in the men’s toilets (alone, I hasten to add) – This actually happened to me. In my drunken confusion, I couldn’t decipher which were the male or female toilets. When I walked in and saw the urinals, I just thought that maybe the toilets in this joint were unisex.

When I got to the cubicle…well let’s just say I’ve had more pleasant experiences squatting in the woods during hikes.

Boys are gross.

2) You may also find you end up drunk-texting exes/boys you had brief flings with – But that "friendly" 2am text won't seem like such a good idea in the harsh light of day, especially when you’re anxiously waiting to see how they’ll respond.

3) You’ve lost half of the jewellery you had on that night. Sad times.

4) It takes you 3 days to fully recover from a hangover. Sore head, much?

5) Memory loss - When you see the post-party Facebook uploads, you can’t even remember how/when the pictures were taken.

So as the holiday season is upon us, remember folks: drink responsibly.

Cheers!

When He Doesn't Want A Girlfriend, But Acts Like Your Boyfriend

Picture the scene: you’re dating someone. The attraction is mutual. You have tonnes of chemistry. You enjoy spending time with each other. They seem decent and trustworthy. Things seem to be heading in the right direction.

Then BOOM! Outta nowhere, they drop the "I’m not really looking for a relationship right now..." (or similar) line.

An all too common predicament that those who are unlucky-in-love will be able to relate to:

The Games People Play

As I’ve mentioned in another post, it’s weird when things in your life (both good and bad) tend to happen all at once. For example, you’ll go weeks with nothing exciting on your social calendar, and then you’ll get about three invites in one week.

Thinking it was just one of those strange sod’s law life occurrences that Alanis Morissette sings about in "Ironic", I mentioned it to my sister who had noticed something similar.

Obviously much more practical-minded and less spiritually-inclined than I, she deduced that it was because people can sense that you’re busy (usually because they’ve been watching your social media activity closely).

I seriously doubted people were that manipulative, or basically such mindless sheep, to suddenly want to hang out with you more once they saw you were going out and having fun without them. Isn’t that type of game-playing tactic usually reserved for dating? Besides, I doubted people were paying such close attention to my boring life, both online and off.

But then I started noticing remarks from people I was interacting with regularly, mentioning a pic or a status and bringing it up in conversation. Some will even text/WhatsApp me after they see the update.

So basically, they’re looking. They’re noticing. They just don’t acknowledge it online (aka "lurking")

Subtle Signs The Guy You’re Dating Might Be Gay

Image credit: Kurious

This is probably the most ignorant and ridiculous article I’ve ever written, with absolutely no merit at all, but here we go.

When you’re single, you find yourself dating all different types of characters. And sometimes, a certain type of character may cause your gaydar to go into overdrive.

Looking back, I’ve heard similar stories from other women, where they’ve been trying to figure out if the guy they’re dating is gay, straight or bi. I think living in a permissive society, where sexual experimentation is readily accepted, has blurred the lines even more.

That, and women are becoming so suspicious of men due to the sheer volume of failed or f*cked up relationships, looking for red-flags (or I guess in this case, rainbow flags) becomes second nature (that might just be me though).