Petty Reasons Why Friendships Fall Apart

You know, I sometimes look back and miss some of the people I had close friendships with before I cut them out. Then I remember what a manipulative nightmare they were and it passes.


Image credit: Steven Depolo [CC BY 2.0]

But despite my seemingly breezy ability to cut people out without a second glance, I’ve mourned the end of these friendships just as much, if not more, as a romantic relationship ending.

It’s a shame that female friendships can come with so much pettiness. Since ending these friendships, I haven’t had to deal with that type of petty drama for nearly a year now. And my life is better for it.

I don’t want to become a complete loner though and understand the importance of making the effort to socialise. And not to sound judgemental, I also don’t want to end up like my ex-landlady, the archetypal cat-lady bless her. All she really did was work and she didn't spend much time cultivating a social life. Which is a shame, because I had some great in-depth convos with her and she regularly gave me advice.

I’d prefer to be more like my mum. Sure, she doesn’t have a man in her life, but she has kids who care about her and a constant flow of people in-and-out of her house, who stay for hours and seem to genuinely enjoy her company. It’s them knocking on her door, not the other way round.

So, realising the importance of socialising and with practical advice from my sister, who like my mum is also a social butterfly, I’ve been getting out and meeting new people who I can hang out with for a chit chat, cuppa, drink, cinema trip and the like.

But the difference is, I keep my friendships more casual these days. I'm cautious about being drawn into the drama of female friendships again. Perhaps down the line these friendships will grow, but I’m not in any rush and I’m just enjoying the lack of obligation that comes with having acquaintances.

As I've mentioned, I don't find it hard cutting people out who are starting to bug me. I can recognise it’s not the healthiest of habits though, and I’m trying to learn how to tolerate annoying friends without having to take such extreme measures and cut them out.

Despite me keeping my distance with people, I am still a confidante for some and I am frequently listening to stories of girls having issues with their mates. The same kinda issues I was having. And it’s nearly always the same story:

- Friends who arrange get-togethers, just for people to flop at the last minute.
- Friends who are chronically late for plans, leaving the other person hanging or waiting around impatiently.
 - Friends who all but disappear as soon as a guy enters the picture.
 - Fake, hot-and-cold friends who seem like your BFF one minute, then more of an acquaintance the next.
- Jealousy and catty-comments from insecurity that is aroused when a friend makes a lifestyle improvement.
 - And finally, friends who rarely initiate contact and seem to have little interest in your life.

And you know, it’s not just gender specific; even guys can get frustrated with unreliable, p***y-whipped friends and one-sided friendships.

A year ago, if I experienced friends like this my attitude would have been "screw that" and I would have cut them straight out, with the mentality that I don’t have time for crap friends. 

However, that left me with no friends. Sure, I've met new people to hang out with, but it's nothing like the closeness and bond with someone you've known for years and I have probably lost some good people in my life due to stubborn-ness or how I reacted to a situation.

I’m not accepting responsibility for why these disagreements arose – I do feel like I was put in a position that would test anyone’s patience. But perhaps I could have handled the situations better, instead of the "try being bitchy to me and you'll see how quickly I can return the favour!" approach, which is counter-productive in keeping harmony in friendships (I was depressed and sleep-deprived at the time though, so was generally a lot less tolerant to people’s bullshit).

If you want to maintain close friendships, sometime you just have have to let certain things go. Figure out if you're idealising unattainable friendships and if it's worth holding grudges if your friend makes a mistake.

I’m not saying let issues slide completely, because then resentment builds and you’re likely to lose it over something petty and trivial and fall out anyway. I’ve seen it happen with people time and time again, and I continue to see it happen - friends seemingly falling out over minor things, when really it was an accumulation of issues that were never addressed.

Instead, look at finding a way to confront a situation, in a non-argumentative or accusatory way. People rarely intentionally want to hurt other people’s feelings, so perhaps making them aware of things in a gentle, even jokey, manner can help you resolve an issue.

Most of the common issues amongst friendships I’ve listed could be resolved just by making the person AWARE of what’s bugging you (again though, not in an arsey or snarky manner as this is likely to be met with a defensive response). Or even just keeping your distance for a while - it's easier to resolve a disagreement when you've cooled off and aren't as annoyed by it.

Of course, if you’re not really hanging out with a person anymore, or the friendship is causing you nothing but aggro, it might be best to just let it go.

Frenemies/fake friends is a young girl’s game.