Why Men Are Players

You get guys like this:

                                                             i.e. Mr Womanizer
Then there are guys like this:

                                                 i.e. Mr I-Prefer-The-Hassle-Free-Single-Life

Oh believe me, there's a difference.

I tend to not even give the first type of guy (often found in nightclubs or bars) the time of day. However, I seem to have a habit of meeting the latter; guys who pursue me, seem like a promising prospect in the love department…only for them to turn around and randomly inform me they don’t really want a relationship at the moment.

After the initial "well, why are you bugging me then? CLEARLY I’m not a casual relationship type of person!" sentiment dies down, part of me can relate to them: they probably struggle to commit to a relationship the way I struggle to commit to permanent employment. It’s that loss of freedom, having someone to answer to or calling the shots and basically owning your @ss.

But then another part of me ends up pitying the commitment-shy - kind of like the way religious folks at work pity me when I tell them I don’t really believe in god or follow any organised religion.

Sure, relationships are hard work and can get messy sometimes…but when you meet someone, there’s chemistry and you guys genuinely care about and support each other, when it really boils down to it, it’s far more preferable to something casual.

Or as my very wise friend put it, in one particular introspective WhatsApp convo we were having:

"I see it that way too; shallow relationships are boring and unfulfilling and add no purpose to people’s lives. We only live one life, may as well spend it with people who add value to it."

Now I’m not saying casual relationships aren’t without its perks (namely instant, non-committal gratification), but when you look at a lot of people who claim to want non-exclusive relationships, but are clearly incredibly lonely, it makes you think there’s got to be more to it than wanting to avoid the headache, heartache and general responsibility and expectations of a relationship.

I think for guys it basically comes down to one main thing: options.

Because as long as he has a bit of game, a good sense of style and social skills, your average looking guy is always going to have options.

It’s a bit like jobs or when you’re viewing places to rent: once you have a couple of prospects, the urgency to commit to one subsides. You’re more likely to take your time coming to a decision, making sure it’s the right one first.

But when you’re desperate for a job or place to live, you won’t be as picky. You won’t deliberate or hesitate to commit to one.

The flaw in this mentality is that when it comes to personal relationships, there are no guarantees. You can assess the risks and observe red-flag behaviour, but getting to know someone properly requires spending a certain amount of time with them…and a leap of faith.

If you write-off a relationship from developing before even giving it a chance, especially if it’s still early days, I think people are doing themselves a massive disservice.

I’m guilty of this too. I’ve cut romantic situations off at the slightest hint of trouble, no doubt because I want to avoid that soul-crushing break up feeling; a feeling that’s harder to overcome the more time you spend getting to know someone and start to become invested.

But I know deep down, I’m more of a relationship oriented person. I’d rather concentrate my efforts on one person I really like, instead of juggling multiple people with whom I have varying levels of interest. Why complicate life? 

However, that’s just my personal preference. I work with one particular man-whore, and there’s no point him even attempting to be in a monogamous, committed relationship when he’s snogging a different girl every week, irrespective of whether he’s technically single or not. 

Bad apple... [Image credit: Kasman]

Guys like that are easy to spot a mile-off though and you generally know the score. Those indecisive can't-decide-if-I-prefer-being-single-or-prefer-being-in-a-relationship types though…they’re a different breed you need to watch-out for. Start something up with them, and the relationship will only progress at THEIR pace. 

Don’t for one second think that it’s about you, though. It’s about them. If a guy dismisses a relationship before even getting to know you, then you know it wasn’t you that scared him off… it was the potential responsibility. When men do decide to settle down, it's more because they're now in a place in their life where they're open to being in a relationship (this has a lot to do with maturity). It’s rarely because they’ve finally found a woman who they deem to be "worthy", where all others failed.  

But as I was warning the randy guy at work…when that day comes and the player decides to turn over a new leaf, how enthusiastic do you think a high-quality woman will be about getting with a guy who’s not only been around the block, but trampled on a few hearts in the process? I don’t think I’d ever feel secure with a guy like that. 

Unless of course she’s done the same thing…in which case, these low-quality individuals would seemingly be a perfect match.