Why Men Like B*tches

Much like anyone else with any kind of experience of failed relationships, I’ve become quite weary when it comes to pursuing a romantic connection. I’m pretty sure this lack of enthusiasm for dating is apparent which means unintentionally, I’ve ended up being a little stand-offish when it comes to dating.

You would think this aloof attitude would discourage men but on the contrary, they seem to end up putting in more effort to see or speak to you.

I’ve had this happen with a few guys now, so it seems like proof that 1) if a guy really likes you, even a little bit of rejection won’t put them off from trying again and 2) men actually seem to prefer it if you aren’t all that eager to date them.

Ice Ice Baby
Image credit: Ingasommer

It’s not even a tactic or game I’m playing, because I genuinely am a bit half-hearted about dating at the moment and my hectic schedule makes it hard to find the time to date as well.

Besides, I think this approach is far more effective when you’re not faking it, and you genuinely have more going in your life than being able to drop everything to go on a date, as though it’s the highlight of your week.

This is precisely why I tell females not to chase men. Because apparently, even if you turn them down, ignore them or seem unenthusiastic with their messages, it doesn’t stop men from pursuing you.

It got me wondering why exactly men respond favourably to this type of behaviour, and I think I’ve narrowed it down to two main points:

1) Attraction – If a guy really likes you (and this doesn’t just have to be on a physical level), he’s more inclined to pursue, even if you’ve politely rejected him or seem unsure. 

It’s the same logic behind why women stay with total douchebags – not only can attraction blind your better judgement, but you naturally make more effort with someone you’re attracted to (duh!). It’s also why women will reject the "nice guy" – if she’s just not attracted to him, it’ll be hard to get a romantic connection going. 

2) Fear of the "clingy" woman – Look, it doesn’t matter how relationship-oriented a man might be, every guy fears a girl who, after a couple of dates, is already talking marriage, moving in and mapping out their future together and he’s going to run for the hills. 

That scenario might be a little extreme but men, with all their apparent lack of awareness, have an uncanny ability to smell desperation a mile off, which is an automatic turn-off (unless he’s on the rebound or equally as desperate).

So if you’re the type to make a guy you’ve just met the centre of your universe after a week of knowing him, or you've made it your sole life purpose to find a partner, then don’t be surprised if he disappears on you with seemingly no warning.

Some ways that this can come across is if you’re constantly messaging a guy you’ve just met, dropping all your plans to hang out with him and, I hate to say it, sleeping with him too soon. 

I’ve been guilty of a couple of things like this in the past: I’ve never been desperate per se, and I'm a big advocate of responding instead of initiating contact with guys, especially in the early stages, to gauge their interest level.

But back when I barely had a life or friends to hang out with, I would rely on dates to get out and about and to have fun stuff planned. Because I had more spare time, I automatically was more available and the lack of social life probably made guys a little cautious. It also meant I clung onto bad relationships, as I didn’t have the support of good friends to talk to, or distract me from the emotional toll of a failing relationship: break ups are a lot rougher if you don’t have good friends or family members to see you through.  

Generally, I think it’s healthy to have a life outside of your relationship. You need hobbies and good friends to hang out with to stay sane, and I think it puts you in a much better position when dating; someone you’ve just started seeing doesn’t become a focal point in your life, which stands you in good stead in terms of having a balanced relationship where the interest is on both sides.  

Because you have other things going on your life, you’re naturally less preoccupied with a budding relationship, which also takes the pressure off a new romantic interest. In this way, sometimes being a little less available can increase the likelihood of a long-lasting relationship.