Why Modern Friendships Aren't Sustainable

I wrote an article a while back about Sex and the City and how we can draw inspiration from the female friendships featured in the show as something to aspire to, as opposed to the shallower aspects such as the fierce fashion choices, fabulous apartments and casual relationships.

However, the cast of the infamous show hit the headlines recently, mainly because of the way Kim Cattrall publicly lashed out at co-star Sarah Jessica Parker on social media:

My Mom asked me today “When will that @sarahjessicaparker, that hypocrite, leave you alone?” Your continuous reaching out is a painful reminder of how cruel you really were then and now. Let me make this VERY clear. (If I haven’t already) You are not my family. You are not my friend. So I’m writing to tell you one last time to stop exploiting our tragedy in order to restore your ‘nice girl’ persona. Copy and paste link https://nypost.com/2017/10/07/inside-the-mean-girls-culture-that-destroyed-sex-and-the-city/

A post shared by Kim Cattrall (@kimcattrall) on Feb 10, 2018 at 5:20am PST

Tensions in the workplace happen all the time, so it’s unreasonable to expect a TV show or film set to be any different. But it was still sad to see confirmation that when it came to the close-knit friendships portrayed in the show, life certainly didn't imitate art.

Interestingly, the stars of another one of my favourite female-led shows Charmed also hit the headlines not too long ago for similar reasons, when Rose McGowan (who has very vocally spoken out against sexism and sexual harassment in Hollywood) lashed out at former co-star Alyssa Milano, again on social media, for supporting the wife of Harvey Weinstein (who is now facing numerous allegations of assault and harassment).

Charmed already has a history of strained relationships amongst its female co-stars, especially after Shannen Doherty notoriously left the show after the third season. Shannen does have a history of leaving shows after falling out with her co-stars, and whilst her and Holly Marie Combs (who also starred in Charmed) remained close after she left, it seems that they too are no longer friends – they have been noticeably absent from each other's social media posts, after prominently featuring in each other’s feeds before.

Of course, social media isn’t real life and sometimes people drift apart. It doesn’t mean their friendship is definitively over. But much like those loved-up couples whose gushy PDA posts suddenly stop or disappear – it can be very telling.

I bring up social media because I myself have had trouble maintaining friendships over the years. These haven’t just been strictly female friendships either. And I truly believe the arrival of social media has had a negative impact on these relationships.

I moved around a lot in my childhood which made it difficult to keep friends, but as I got older and started spending more time in one place, I did build a social circle. Unfortunately, social media really started to kick-off during that time - I remember setting up a MySpace and then Facebook page in 2007, around the time that I started University.

I struggle in general to maintain relationships, be that familial, platonic or romantic and the main reason for this, I've come to find, is because when I start to find people’s behaviour rude or irritating, I get moody and call them out on it and the relationship never really recovers after that. These days, I don’t even bother to call people out anymore, I just fade and eventually cut them out, which is usually justifiable because there’s been a lack of effort on both sides.

But going back to the point about social media, lately the reason why I’ve been annoyed with people has nearly always had something to do with how they’ve interacted online for example, straight-up ignoring a text I’ve sent, yet still being active on social media.

I swear to god, it’s one of my biggest pet peeves! It might seem like such a minor thing, but if someone who is supposed to be a close friend reaches out to check in and ya’know, make sure you’re still alive, and you just ignore them? I just find that so rude and unnecessary. And when multiple people are doing it to you, it annoys you even more and you have even less patience for it, especially when it’s the same folks who are glued to their phones or are really active on social media.

These are also people who occasionally initiate contact with me by the way, or enthusiastically engage when I post stuff online, so it’s not a case of them trying to give me the brush-off.

And no, I’m not the type of person who messages or calls people incessantly; I’ve always been more of a respond-rather-than-initiate type of person, but I will put a reasonable amount of effort into friendships as I believe they should be a two-way street. I am quite a chatty person though, so maybe I do need to rein it in a little and stop talking as much, or perhaps mirror people's behaviour and also delay responses, if I even bother to respond at all.

But why should you have to play these types of games, games that are usually reserved for the early stages of dating? I guess because modern technology has created more and more ways for people to stay connected, appearing aloof and hard-to-reach has become socially acceptable and in fact, the norm: I call it "fashionably flippant".

It’s either that, or because of all the apps out there that people are logged-on to, they become overwhelmed with notifications and essentially become lazy at responding. I’m not saying people need to respond immediately - I myself find smartphones fiddly and annoying. But if you can like photos on Instagram, then surely you can take one minute out of your day to be courteous to someone who is trying to be a good friend.

I think people need to remember the main purpose of having a personal phone – it’s so you can be reached by family, friends or for work. It’s not to scroll through your Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat feed, or to stalk people on WhatsApp which sadly, seems to be higher on people’s priority list than returning a call or text from a friend they haven’t spoken to in a while.

I just don't get it.

Social media further complicates friendships because if a friendship is already strained, there’s potentially more room for childish politics. Even I’m guilty of this one for example, posting pictures or statuses of me having fun to make an indirect point.

And then there’s the issue of deleting/unfollowing. Again, I’m guilty of this one too but for my own mental sanity, if I’m having issues with someone I’d rather not have them on my feed – out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. Besides, my Contacts or Friends lists reflect my real life, so why would I want to stay connected online to someone who’s being a rubbish friend?

Can we really blame social media for lousy friendships though? I do believe that these multiple ways of keeping in touch have led to friendships falling by the wayside, but maybe it’s just a reflection of a lack of effort that's already occurring.

You can’t force people to care, or to put the effort into a friendship and I doubt these so-called friends would pull their finger out even if you weren’t connected on multiple platforms. Are they relying on these updates as a lazy way to keep in touch and to stay up-to-date with your life, or are they indifferent either way?

Perhaps this is just a part of growing older – I meet a lot of different people through my varied hobbies or the changeable nature of my job, and I remember someone once telling me that you replace your friends every seven years. Maybe friendships aren’t made to last a lifetime and are more seasonal…but because I’ve always lost people throughout my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

This is definitely an area in my life that probably does need developing – it’s not healthy and probably a little extreme to fall out with everyone who annoys you. But then the alternative of still being linked to someone who is either a sh*tty friend or sh*tty person…I just don’t see how a friendship or other type of relationship would work in that scenario.

Besides, I generally don't hold grudges but if the other person isn't interested in continuing the friend/relationship after you confront them about their behavior then what can you do?

What are your thoughts? Can you relate? Or have you managed to maintain a circle of lifelong friends? And if so, what’s your secret? :P

Photo credit: thetruthpreneur